Yesterday I pulled the Queen of Pentacles in reverse. The guide book that came with the deck suggests this means I need to give myself a break from “meaningless drudgery or overwork,” that I might be letting retail therapy get out of hand, a “mean or overwhelming mother” (in this case, me), and that I’m trying too hard. Check, check, check, check. Seeing the card helped me label some of what I’ve been feeling lately. Dissatisfaction, restlessness, boredom. Even in the face of a progression back to normal: My husband and I got our first Covid vaccines a week ago (we drove over 400 miles round trip to accomplish this). We’ve planned a family trip for May. My youngest is scheduled to go back to preschool in June.
And yet I still feel like I keep leaning further into the well, desperate for signs of water. Pretty soon I’m going to lose my balance and fall headfirst into nothingness. I mean, it’s been a year and more. My reserves are depleted.
I don’t mean this to sound desperate! I am fine, just tired and needing some space. I imagine I’ll be back in July. I hope to find my center again, finish the book I’ve been talking about because I’m tired of talking about it and just want you to be able to hold it in your hands and read it, and maybe puzzle out some other ideas that are on my mind.
one more sneaky peek at Underbelly.